Mr. D@#k-On-Hard

“Hey, please don't let that guy in"

Words I hate hearing the most. There's nothing worst than doing access control at 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. Everyone at that point is either drunk, high or some combination of the two. All is annoying for the sober to deal with because logical conversation goes out the window. Grandma was right when she said nothing good happens after midnight.


"Yeah, we took an Uber Pool with him and he got out and started following us. We don't know him. Thanks, bye."

Great. As the two ladies head toward the elevator, Mr. Dick-on-Hard enters the building. This wouldn't have happened if fucking maintenance had fixed the fucking doors. They automatically lock at night and you need card access to enter but they've been broken for weeks. Here he comes.

"Yo bro, yo bro, you see those two fine ass chicks walk in here. They invited me up to their apartment for a good time bro."

Man, this guy is drunk. Drunk and horny. Fuck this can only get worse.

"Sorry, man they informed me that you can't come up"

"No bro, no way. We just rode an Uber together and they both told me I could get a double blowjob man. They were grabbing each other titties and shit. Come on bro. Let me through."

Well, tag team blow job action will make a motherfucker test his luck.

"Listen, I just spoke with the resident. She told me no guests. I'm sorry man."

"Why you hating bro? Why you trying to stop my shine bro? Let me through bro. I gotta get my dick sucked bro."

"Sorry man, I can't"

"Yes, you can. Maybe you can get sloppy seconds bro. After me of course."

After dealing with Mr. Dick-on-Hard for ten minutes, I realize homeboy's going nowhere. He's convinced I'm trying to cock-block. Fuck it, I'll just call La Policia to handle this one.

"Listen man, I called the police and they're on their way man. Just LEAVE."

"No police is going to stop me from getting my balls drained bro,"

Once the police show up, I explain the situation and the police escort the guy off site. That was cool of them because they could have arrested him. Now I can get some peace. But wouldn't you know, in less than five minutes, homeboy's back. What the fuck???


Fuck, this motherfucker's angry now. Well, I got something for his ass cause I didn't promise him shit. I call the police back to the site. They show up in less than a minute.

"HEY BUDDY" one cop says in the greatest Boston accent of all time "I told you not to come back or we'll arrest you."

"But bro, I need my dick sucked. Bitch and her friend said they'd do it. Stop hating bro"

This motherfucker is on some shit. Talking to the police like that. This guy is tripping.

"LISTEN, Leave on your own, or with cuffs. It's your choice"

"Well arrest me than cause I'm getting my dick sucked tonight." After that statement, the cops arrest him and take him to their car. One cop comes back to take my info.

"What did those women say to get him so worked up?"

"Tag team blowjob. Plus I guess the women were feeling on each other titties on the Uber ride over here.”

"Well that'll do it," says the cop as he walking out of the building. Sure will. It sure will.

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