Can't Leave

I cannot believe this guy is a doctor. Every night he comes in here so drunk, he needs the wall to hold him up. Has anyone at his job noticed this boozehound? There’s no way he doesn’t reek of alcohol at work. This motherfucker’s been binge watching too many House episodes and thinking he can do it too.

“Yeah, he lives here.” I tell the Guard Shack.

“Okay, cool. We found him in the parking lot just sitting on the curb. Wasn’t sure if he was a resident or someone from one of the bars. Thanks”

We all watch the drunken doctor stumble into the elevator and head upstairs.

“Man, he’s a doctor.”

“Shit. That motherfucker’s never working on me.”

“I hear ya. Hopefully that’s the last we’ll see of him tonight. Sometimes we find these drunks laid out in front of their apartment doors. Laying out of the floor with their ass in the air and the key in the lock. Guess it’s hard to make that finally twist of the key.” Everybody laughs and head back to their posts. Hopefully the rest of the night goes smoothly.

Around 3 a.m. I receive a call at the desk. The woman is hysterical.

“I can’t get out of my apartment. There’s shit everywhere.”

“Ahh, there’s stuff blocking your apartment door"?

“No, there’s shit everywhere and I can’t get out. How the fuck am I suppose to get out? Who does this shit?”

“Okay, I’ll come up and check it out. Which floor is it on?

”The 10th”

Hmm, that’s the same floor that doctor’s lives on. This can’t be good. I call the Guard Shack and have one of them accompany me to the floor. As we arrive to the floor and step of the elevator, the most putrid odor I’ve ever smelled overwhelms me.

We walk toward the apartment of the woman who called to find diarrhea spread all over her door and hallway carpet. I guess that’s the “shit” she was talking about. But the doctor lives on the other side of the elevator bank. We head over to the other side and see vomit spread all over his door and hallway rug. The only spots not touched by the vomit is the two footprints where he stood.

“Dude, this motherfucker went to one end of the hallway and shit on this lady’s door, then went to his door, throw up and went inside. What a nasty motherfucker! He’s a doctor?”

I nod yes and begin to take pictures. We go back downstairs and call the cleaning crew.

“Hey Mario, man ya’ll gotta come in ASAP. Some resident just shitted and vomited all over the rugs on the tenth floor.”


“Some resident shitted and vomited everywhere.”

“You fucking kidding me man. Okay, we’ll be there soon.”

At 7:00am, my relief comes in and I explain the whole situation.

“The guy’s a doctor. WOW!!. And Mario still hasn’t shown up yet?”

“Nope, we called him at 3:20 and he said he’d be here soon. But no one’s seen him.”

“You mean that’s shit has been sitting up there, seeping into the carpet for hours?”


“That’s disgusting. And these are luxury apartment buildings?”

Yes they are senorita, yes they are.